November 27, 2010
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i had the fortunate opportunity to share a bottle of wine with my little “sister” last night (quotations because we are not related by blood.) i’ve known her for 15 of her 29 years, and when we first met, she was an awkward tomboy with probably a bit too much baby fat and bad haircut. she was very insecure about herself mostly because she felt vastly inferior to her older sisters and her parents weren’t the most supportive either. she needed a big brother, and i happened to have been around to fill that role. she moved out of the bay area to go to university, and somewhere along the way, we lost touch. we reconnected in the last year or so, when it was me, who was in desperate need of some friends, and i’m very glad to have her back in my life. although she’s doesn’t live in the bay area, her family still does and when she comes to visit them, she always makes time to visit her big bro as well.
we were catching up over a bottle of wine at the hotel biron wine bar and art gallery, when she told me about this man she was seeing, and how she was “the other woman.” i found this deeply disturbing. although awkward and chubby as a teenager, she has blossomed into a beautiful young woman (and in my opinion, a bit too skinny) and just on those merits alone she has no need to be anyones “other woman.”
i proceeded to give her a very disapproving look….
i asked, “is he going to leave his gf?”
in which she replied “no.”
she wanted more from him, while he just wanted a booty call. she then asked me if i thought she was a bad person? i quickly said “no,” but i told her what she was doing was bad. i firmly told her to not disrespect herself, and reminded her that she should never knowingly and willingly cause pain to someone else (in this case, it would be the gf). if he’s going to be a bastard, that’s his problem, but i told her not to be an enabler. we talked a bit more, and in the end, she promised me she was going to be “smarter” about things, and i guess that’s all i can ask for.i woke up this morning wondering whether or not i was a bit harsh on her. were my opinions too close minded? i recall people telling me that i should keep my opinions to myself. that my opinions may be “right” for me, but not “right” for others. should i have just told her to do whatever makes her happy?
at the end of the day, aren’t we all just looking for moments of joy, and if she’s happy being the “other woman”, then who cares about the guy’s girlfriend? why should she care about anyone but herself? i guess i’m just old fashioned.
Comments (2)
You were not too harsh. We all can benefit from someone, a close friend or relative, who can give us the feedback we need to hear. As for being old-fashioned about your opinion, I think you are generally right that we shouldn’t act in ways that knowingly cause pain to others. At the same time, years ago I was in a situation that led me to learn that this issue is much more complex, and has a lot more gray area, than I had ever thought was the case.
I think you said the right thing. Being an influential “big brother” like yourself, your opinions matter and hopefully she will take that into consideration.